thoughts from the heart... pictures... and a video :)

Today I left Macha. For the last time.

I got up early and finished packing, put my stuff in Eric’s parent’s car, said bye to Eric, Corie and the girls until tomorrow, took one last look at the house, and got in the car.

And then I proceeded to choke back tears the whole way out Macha… out of the gate I have walked through so many times, past the dorms, the houses, past the kids walking to school. I held them back as we went out of the hospital and MRT compound, as we headed out the long dirt road, past the villages, and even as we turned on to the paved road.

I choked back tears yesterday as I said goodbyes, as Eric prayed before “The Last Supper” that Corie prepared (which once again was amazing), as Char hugged me around my neck and gave me a kiss goodnight, as my friends here in Macha all came over to the house to play cards and eat cake one last time before all joining together in prayer with me before I left.

And now, as I sit at Jollyboys in Livingstone… I can’t choke them back.

It’s hard to leave. Really hard. I’m not even out of Zambia yet and I miss it. For me, Macha isn’t just a place that I went to visit for the summer to do an internship. Macha has been my home for the past 3 months. I have friends there. I have a family there – one that includes two little sisters. And I hate to leave them. Macha is a place that God has used to change me.

I’m spending a few days in Livingstone before I fly back to the U.S. on Sunday… I decided that I was going to use these days to reflect, to process, and to prepare mentally and emotionally to go back home. I ended up going on a sunset cruise tonight with a few girls that are here from Macha as well. And it was absolutely beautiful. Great job God :) But I spent the ride back in the boat thinking…

There were times this summer that I thought I couldn’t do this anymore. There are times that I missed home and people too much. There are things and parts of me that feel like they have just fallen apart this summer. I don’t know what I’m doing when I get home. I don’t have a job or a plan. I don’t know if I want to be at home or overseas.

But – as I am learning – I can pity myself, I can feel unworthy or like I don’t have a purpose… or I can choose to trust God and the fact that He has a plan for me. I can let myself be sad or anxious, I can worry… or I can choose the peace of God which surpasses all understanding – knowing that God’s peace doesn’t mean that nothing hard is going to happen anymore, but having a quiet confidence within myself to know that it will be okay in the end, even if it doesn’t seem it in the moment. And I say as I am learning – because this is such a hard thing to translate from my mind to my heart.

He has rocked my world in so many ways this summer – placing people in my life to talk with, placing people in my life to love, using people who were already in my life back home to encourage me and stand by me even though they were halfway across the world, and using this time here in Zambia as a way to break me down, but also to start to put me back together as the person He wants me to be.

I’ve learned this summer – again in my mind, it’s hard to translate to my heart – that God is who I need to be totally reliant on. Not on people. Not on things. Not on anything but Him. The people here have shown me that. Missing home has shown me that. He is the only thing I can depend on.

I’ve learned that my purpose in this life is to seek and find His purpose for me. To follow Him in everything I do. I don’t know if I will go home and find the perfect job, or if I will go home and start waitressing while I wait. I don’t know if I will stay in the United States or if I will end up overseas. I don’t know what God has for me. But after this summer, I do know that God has a purpose for my life and if I seek His will in my life, it’s all going to be okay.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord… Jeremiah 29:11-14

I don’t want to leave Macha. But He had a plan for me this summer… and He will have a plan for me when I am home.

I’ve left part of my heart in Macha. And I know I will be back.

Today I left Macha. For the last time… for now. Macha, my friends, my family, every child I interacted with – these things will remain in my heart forever.

Some pics from the sunset cruise tonight: